12.09.2007

Making my list for SC (Column)


By Louie St. George III
The Daily Times

Dear Santa:

Holiday greetings to you, sir.

How is the missus? And the little ones? Busy, busy, busy I can imagine. Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t inquire about Rudy. Is our four-legged flyer still running around with that red nose? What a character, that Rudolph.

All pleasantries aside, SC, I got some favors to ask. Now, I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, and I do apologize, but I think we both can agree your last visit to my place didn’t end well. Let’s just say, I’ll be changing the locks on the wine cellar this year.

But back to the matter at hand. I’m sending this correspondence — via e-mail of course (have you seen the price of stamps!) — with a heavy heart. In case you haven’t noticed, the world of sports is spiraling into an ugly abyss. I don’t know what you’re capable of in this arena, but I know you’ve been dabbling in some outsourcing of late, so maybe we can strike a deal.

Anyhow, good friend, here is my 2007 Christmas list. Any questions, just text.

• An ace left-hander with a filthy changeup and a mid-90s fastball. This can be delivered to the Minnesota Twins.

• Continued good fortune for the inspiring Kevin Everett. Santa, I know with DirecTV up there at the North Pole, you’re familiar with Everett’s story. Following a vicious tackle in early September, doctors said the Buffalo Bills tight end would never walk again. Only problem is, Everett didn’t listen. He’s up on his feet, but a little Christmas magic courtesy of Saint Nick wouldn’t hurt.

• Bill Belichick could use a sense of humility. While we’re here, could you send the man a new hooded sweatshirt. That thing he wears on the sidelines looks like my dog’s toy. A camera might make a nice stocking stuffer, as well. I believe the NFL confiscated his last one.

• Books. For Barry Bonds. The Asterisk could have a lot of free time on his hands in the near future. I’m not familiar with Barry’s reading interests, but chemistry appears to be a favorite subject. I’d say throw in a hat for good measure, but I’m not sure you have the manpower to stitch together something that extravagant.

• I’m not sure how you’d swing this, but college football really needs a playoff system. My gut tells me you’d be wise to draft an eight-team bracket and deliver it to NCAA headquarters. But be careful, Santa, this one’s a sensitive subject.

• Blue Trophies. Just send those babies to the Four Corners in New Mexico. We’ll take as many as that sleigh of yours will carry.

• A Mitchell Report. I know you’re troubled by steroids in baseball. I mean, let’s be honest, you’ve never been big on chiseled bodies. You are, after all, famous for a belly that shakes like jelly. So I know you’re with me on this one. This Mitchell Report is going to name ballplayers who have been sticking needles in their posteriors, but the darn thing won’t seem to surface. Perhaps you could intervene. Be sure, however, not to deliver this item to Bud Selig. Any media outlet will do.

• A hanky for the Baltimore Ravens. No doubt, you were watching last Monday (by the way, Mrs. Claus still put together that legendary spread for Monday Night Football?). Thus, you know what I’m talking about here — lots of big babies on the Baltimore squad. On second thought, you better up the count on the hankies. Deliver ’em to Bart Scott. And hurry!

• Alex Rodriguez really needs a new wallet. Something big.

• Dale Earnhardt Jr. is in the market for a few automobile upgrades. I mean it when I say your mechanics are second to none, Santa, and Jr. needs the best. I know you’re always joking about Earnhardt being the most overrated athlete in the history of the world, but a new engine (probably one that doesn’t die every week) under the tree on Dec. 25 might change things. More horsepower ain’t a bad idea, either.

Well that’s my Christmas wish list, in a nutshell. I went light this year because it’s already late in the season and I know you’ve got appearances to make and logistics to work out.

On a personal note, I saw one of your Web casts last week. Pardon me for being blunt, SC, and I don’t mean to harp on it, but you really oughta pick up Chuck Norris’ latest workout video. You need your stamina, sir. Certainly, you’d make Rudolph’s job a heck of a lot easier if you dropped a few pounds. I know, I’m a nag at times. But I do worry. You’re not exactly a spring chicken anymore.

Anyways, I’ll sign off. Looking forward to our annual card game on the 24th. As you know, that is a highlight of mine. I’ll put the steaks on around 10. That work for you?

And this year, we’ll be switching back to milk. No cork-popping, that is.

Take care, Santa. Please send the missus my best. She really is one of a kind.

Sincerely,
Louie